33 Things I’ve Learnt in 33 Years

Last week was my birthday and I was 33. It’s OK. Honest. No honestly. Sure, aging isn’t necessarily a negative thing (conveniently a statement uttered by old people). Well, the alternative is crap anyway. There’s plenty of things I’ve only learnt simply by being on the planet this long and couldn’t have known otherwise. Here’s just a few of them

1. That quiet mysterious guy? – he’s a bore and has nothing to say for himself
2. Always have a tampon in your bag
3. People who wash their hands thoroughly after doing a pee have bigger issues
4. Pedal pushers suit no one
5. Grown up MEN don’t care about pubes
6. Vodka does smell
7. Diets are shit
8. There’s nothing wrong with milk bottle legs
9. Swallowing chewing gum does nothing
10. When people threaten to ring the guards they rarely do
11. A ‘final warning’ is never a final warning
12. Grumpy old people were grumpy young people
13. There are ugly babies
14. There is no such thing as cheap car insurance
15. People who don’t like ‘Back to the Future’ are fundamentally evil
16. Someone needs to figure out which is the best mascara so we can all just buy that
17. Getting toilet roll off the stranger in the cubicle next to you is every day humanity at its best
18. You never regret standing up for yourself
19. Cats are reincarnated humans
20. Ironing bed sheets is an act performed solely by deranged individuals
21. Most solicitors need to tell you they are a solicitor within 5 minutes or they self- combust

22. Pee smells, so does pooh. But sick, sick is the worst
23. People who rob pens and lighters know exactly what they are doing
24. Smear tests are grand
25. Singsongs should never be video recorded. The sober reality is crushing
26. Do not confront kids in the playground who try and bully your kid
27. If you keep starting a car in 3rd gear instead of 1st you will burn out 3 clutches in a year before realising the problem
28. Your freckles are never going to join together
29. You need foot deodorant
30. Ireland is a small country. So, keep your mouth shut. Everyone knows everyone
31. If someone says ‘What ya looking at?’ Don’t response with ‘I don’t know I’m not very good at puzzles
32. Just get the chips. Life is too short
33. The panic of potentially wetting your pants never goes away

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