Better to have Tanned and Lost

I went to a wedding last month as a bridesmaid and I decided to go tan free. I know big deal?! Well it’s not but I had a relationship with the knuckle stainer off and on for years and I thought I’d write it a goodbye letter

Dear Fake Tan,

How are you? Firstly I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch much recently apart from a few panicked last-minute brushes with sun shimmer. I’ll cut right to the chase. I think it’s over for us

I remember well when my brother Simon started working with Johnson & Johnson and I found out I could get fake tan on discount and in bulk I was enthuastic, I think we both were.

Piz Buin tan all over me for weeks. But that was it wasn’t it? Cracks started to appear in our relationship straight away. I remember the first time I patiently waited for you to develop. Sure I was excited but there was always that one thing we just couldn’t fix. The brown wrists, the streaky neck and the random white blob on my leg for my brothers wedding.

My mam knew. She knew from the start that things weren’t working for us. But when she’d say things like ‘The fake tan leaves your hands terribly brown’ I’d just shrug it off, and say ‘ you don’t understand fake tan like I do’

The things I used to ignore I can’t any longer. How could I have thought that you and me could work? Fair skinned, freckled, red hair with a deep mahogany tan. In fairness you tried to change with your ‘ for fair skin’ labeling but I knew it just wasn’t enough.

I’m enjoying my independence and it’s not about me finding a substitute I’ve really closed the book on me and fake tan.

I’m not saying we’ll never meet again. I mean if I have to wear a dress and I’ve a massive bruise on my shin, sure maybe. Lets not try to project too much at the moment

ps Am saying this because I care, you smell sort it out!


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